


Is It Okay If I'm Not Me?

by ChrisWrites



Category: Senki Zesshou Symphogear
Genre: F/F, Possession
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5945560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisWrites/pseuds/ChrisWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a request from /m/. Years after her death, Kanade possesses Maria to spend some time with Tsubasa. Tsubasa has to separate her feelings for Kanade from those over Maria.</p><p>Chapter 1 is the main fic itself, rated T. Chapter 2 is a bonus explicit chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tsubasa was on shaky legs by the time the director called for them to take a break before moving onto the next set. Each rehearsal was much, much longer than the concert itself, which would only last a few hours. Over the years her endurance had become strong enough that she could keep going at full force for another set, but a break was appreciated.

Conversely, Maria was less experienced and had fallen to her knees within seconds of the call. She had always managed the concerts themselves with minimal visible strain, but there was a twisted amusement to be found in watching the perfect idol collapse from exhaustion behind the scenes. Still, Tsubasa admired her dedication to give it her all, even during the lengthy practice sessions.

“I’m sure you’d be more comfortable in a chair.” Tsubasa offered her hand out for Maria to take, assuming she might be too tired out to stand on her own from her position on the floor.

“How can you keep going like this every day?” Maria took it, pulling herself to her feet but not letting go of her. Tsubasa’s heart stopped before fluttering back to life, but she withdrew her hand and chose to guide Maria by the forearm instead. It felt amazing, fingertips brushing Maria’s palm like that, but she couldn’t indulge that impossibility.

The rehearsals were getting harder for her, not because she was wearing herself down physically, but mentally. At the start of the day things went as usual, and she could lose herself in routine and practice. As time passed and her blood rushed from exertion, she’d catch herself staring not ahead at the imagined audience, but at Maria next to her, and the director’s constant berating telling her to face forward was sounding more and more annoyed.

She couldn’t help herself from getting distracted though. Not when Maria was so close to her, sweat glistening on her bare shoulders, making eye contact with her and smiling as per the choreography, her chest heaving as she took deep breaths- Tsubasa cut off every mental process right there, not allowing those invasive thoughts to take root.

“I’ll get you some water.” She took the excuse to distance herself from Maria, and to collect herself and her thoughts back to something more proper.

Maria’s breathing had regulated by the time Tsubasa returned, but she still gulped down half the water bottle in one go. “Thanks,” she said when she had finished with it. “Is the next set the last?”

“Two more.” She did think it was excessive, as there was still time until the concert and they’d been doing it perfectly for days now, but it was better to be too thorough than not practiced enough.

Maria groaned and leaned back in her chair. “I know it’s important but they’re running us ragged, don’t you think?” She sighed and continued speaking before Tsubasa could answer. “I know, I know, it’s our job. But you’re inhuman, I can’t keep up.”

Tsubasa couldn’t help but smile, telling herself it was because she pitied her friend and not because she was painfully adorable sometimes, possibly at that moment, not that she would let herself notice. “I’ll see if I can get Ogawa-san to cut it short here.”

“You’re too good to me, Tsubasa.” Maria smiled in gratitude, and her damned heart skipped another few beats. Before she had the change to linger on that, she turned and walked away with a practiced limp, intending to tell the staff she’d sprained something to ask for them to end the day’s rehearsal early.

* * *

 

No morning should have been significantly different from the other. Tsubasa would wake up early and allow herself no more than a few seconds relaxing in bed before leaving the warmth of the blankets and starting her morning routine. But today when she tried to pull the covers from herself, something laying on top of them kept them in place.

A voice asking, “Did you sleep well?” brought her attention to her left, and when her eyes finally adjusted to being open, she made out a figure next to her.

“Maria!?” Tsubasa yanked as much of the comforter as she could over her torso, embarrassed to be seen in the morning before she’d even left bed.

“Guess again,” Maria said with an uncharacteristic chuckle. Tsubasa blinked repeatedly, even rubbing her eyes to clear them further, but the curvaceous pink-haired girl in front of her couldn’t be anyone else.

Too drowsy to repress her feelings, she felt disappointed that Maria wasn't here to seduce her. She focused on her face, trying to read her expression and solve what was going on, when she met her eyes. The deep red color definitely weren't Maria's, but they weren't unfamiliar.

It didn't make any sense, in fact it was impossible. But too tired for reason, Tsubasa whispered, "Kanade?"

"I missed you, Tsubasa." Maria – or was it really Kanade? – scooted over to hold her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She and Maria had hugged before like any two friends would, but being cradled so closely like this was different. She'd fantasized, sure, but she couldn’t tell if this was matching those expectations.

Tsubasa hummed shortly in acknowledgement, not sure if it was appropriate to get this close to…she wasn’t sure if she should refer to her as Maria, doubting who she could have been. But even if it wasn’t Maria there with her, the fact that it was still her friend physically held her back with conflict.

“Hey, Tsubasa.” She looked up at her, cut off from asking what she wanted with a little prickle between her eyes. Whoever it was in front of her, she had flicked her in the forehead, freezing all thoughts. “You don’t believe me?”

The glint in her crimson eyes, the way her voice lilted while she was teasing her, that reckless grin.... Heart swelling and reservations dissipating, Tsubasa threw herself into her and began sobbing. “Kanade!”

It didn’t feel real, but she was ready to accept it. She relaxed in Kanade’s grip, which tightened around her the more she shook. It had been so long since she’d been held like this, and even as a legal adult, some part of her badly wanted to be cradled like a baby this whole time. She just didn’t realize until now how large that part of her was.

Time must have passed, but for her it stood still. This moment could have lasted forever and she would be happy, spending an eternity unmoving in bed with her. But maybe fortunately, Kanade did move, tilting Tsubasa’s chin upwards to softly press her lips to hers.

As recently as yesterday, Tsubasa was convinced that she would never be kissed again, as much as she wanted it. To suddenly be kissed like this, by someone she’d lost so long ago, she was soaring. She threw herself into it, melting into Kanade’s embrace.

The first major dissonance hit her then though, as Kanade ran her – meaning Maria’s – tongue along the seam of her lips. She’d held onto every memory of Kanade, keeping them as fresh as the day she died, and this feeling didn’t match those memories. It wasn’t unpleasant, far from it, but something nagging tugged at her mind, trying to reinforce that Kanade wasn’t back.

Half-heartedly, she returned it, trying to reject the notion that it wasn’t really her. She had done probably more fantasizing than she should have about Maria, but actually being with her like this, only on a technical level, was a distraction from what she was trying to lose herself to, which was supposed to be a reunion with her long-lost partner.

Kanade pulled back and looked at her, a familiar look of concern on Maria’s face. “Is this weird for you?”

Perhaps the conflict between her existing-but-dormant feelings for Kanade and her budding crush on Maria was “weird.” More than being awkward though, she felt guilty. Guilty for putting Kanade aside in her head for someone new, and guilty for doing this with her friend who couldn’t consent to being kissed, even if it wasn’t really her there.

At her silence, Kanade sighed. “Sorry I couldn’t be me. You deserve me as…well, me, not like this.” She shrunk back a little like she was ashamed of how she was, but Tsubasa instinctively held onto her sleeve in case she moved too far away. “Do you think you could pretend you like this girl while I’m here?”

She didn’t want Kanade to spend her possibly-little time here burdened with the knowledge that she was torn between her and another girl. “It’s okay, because it’s still you.” To prove her point, Tsubasa leaned in, overcoming her hesitance to kiss Kanade on Maria’s lips.

It was definitely too good to last, Tsubasa feared. After an unmoving moment, she dragged herself away to ask, “How long are you here for?” Finally, she was awake and aware enough to question the most obvious thing. “How _are_ you here?”

“I dunno, phonic gain?” The casual and carefree tone in her voice was unfamiliar to hear coming from Maria. “I’m not sure, that’s why I want to enjoy this, in case it doesn’t last long.”

Not much time had passed before Tsubasa started crying again, having to break away as it got harder to breathe. She sniffled and buried her face into the space between Kanade’s neck and shoulder, letting every emotion loose and soaking her silky pajama top with tears.

If Kanade was bothered, she didn’t make any sign to show that she was. She kept her held closely, stroking her hair, playing her fingers across her lower back, and whispering encouragement. “I’m here now,” she said. “I’ll be with you as long as I can.”

Just when the overwhelming rush of emotions ebbed away and things were looking dry again, Kanade drew back and smiled. Not her usual cocky grin, but something that Tsubasa exclusively saw. “Hey, Tsubasa?”

“Yes?” She blinked repeatedly to clear her vision, wanting to see her better while refusing to let go of her.

“I never got to tell you, did I?” Tsubasa closed her eyes as Kanade wiped the wetness from her cheeks and brushed her bangs away. “That I loved you.”

That was all it took for the tears to return at full force, and she cursed herself for being so sensitive when she should have been acting as over the moon as she was. Kanade needed to know how happy she was, because Tsubasa certainly didn’t look it; steadying herself the slightest bit, she whispered, “You didn’t.”

“I regretted that as I sang, you know.” She let Tsubasa retreat into her again as she recollected unpleasant memories. “But I didn’t want to leave you with what could have been. And…” for once, Kanade paused, “now I regret that, too. I love you, Tsubasa, even if you are a crybaby.”

Despite the heaviness that sobbing put on her body, she felt light, in the strangest way. Like she could do anything, no matter how impossible, but all she wanted to do was stay here and drag out this moment forever.

After some silence, Kanade asked, “Do you love me back?” Tsubasa tried to say yes, but was only able to nod. “Then I’m happy.”

She tried to say it for herself, but it only came out sounding like, “ _Mmh mmph mm._ ”

Kanade laughed and patted her back before resuming her gentle stroking. “I know.”

Eventually Tsubasa was able to pry herself away, not because she was ready to be apart, but motivated by securing their time together. “My phone’s behind you,” she choked out, letting Kanade know she was between her and what she needed.

Not moving from her spot, Kanade turned around to take Tsubasa’s phone from the charger on the bed-side table and handed it to her. “Are you telling anyone?”

“No, in case it…” _doesn’t last_ , she wanted to say, but the words stuck fast in her throat. She settled on being able to explain herself with, “They don’t need to know yet.”

Kanade was quiet when she started flipping through her contacts, but scooted closer to wrap her arm around Tsubasa. The person on the other end of the line picked up quickly despite the early hour. “Ogawa-san?”

“Yes, Tsubasa-san?” He awoke even earlier than her on the average day, so she didn’t have to worry about inconveniencing him with a call while she was still in bed.

“I need everything canceled for today,” she explained frankly, “and since I can’t make practice, Maria won’t be attending either.”

“This close to the concert?” he asked, but answered his own concern. “You two do seem ready…. Did something come up?”

“Yes, something important.” She didn’t elaborate, and Kanade squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

“I’ll let the studio know not to set up today, but I can’t give you more than one day off.” Tsubasa heard papers flipping on his end. With a knowing tone to his voice, he added, “It must be that injury from yesterday, isn’t it? Try to keep recovering restricted to today.”

“Of course.” She took the time to be grateful for having such an understanding manager. Taking a break was risky, but she would take any risk for some uninterrupted time with Kanade now that it was possible.

Exchanging formal goodbyes, Tsubasa ended the call and turned into Kanade’s embrace. “So we have the day to ourselves?” Kanade asked playfully.

“Yes.” She didn’t protest when Kanade rolled over onto her, but her heart skipped and she felt warmth rise to her face when she realized she was trapped between her forearms.

“So nobody is going to come looking for us if you don’t show up?” Tsubasa froze, looking up at her, as months-old thoughts flashed through her mind. Imagining Maria kneeling over her, hair tousled from just having gotten out of bed, smiling invitingly as she leaned down towards her face…. She had to shake off seeing her fantasy become reality, because that wasn’t what was really happening.

It became easier to lose focus on that when Kanade’s tongue slipped into her mouth, not going too far past the entrance until Tsubasa returned it. This kiss picked up enthusiastically, Tsubasa overcoming guilt and nerves to wrap her arms around her waist. Kanade lowered herself to press against her, supported only by her elbows and one knee

Tsubasa thought she was fully aware of how long it had been since she last had this, but having it now made her realize how badly she’d missed it. Not just Kanade perhaps, but a general frustration at a lack of romantic contact. To others she was strong, independent, and refused to rely on others, but being under Kanade and exploring the unfamiliar mouth against hers melted that away.

Every time Kanade pulled away for breath, it left a flutter inside her that kept her attention focused until she returned to her. If not for those short, infrequent breaks, she might have been overwhelmed to the point of passing out, her head was so light. Her heart pounded and threatened to explode, and her whole body was heating up in both embarrassment and excitement.

With a hard breath outwards, Kanade whispered, “I missed you so much,” moving down to kiss her neck. Tsubasa grabbed a fistful of fabric from her pajama top in surprise, immediately tensing from head to toe but just as quickly becoming fully relaxed.

“I mi- ah….” She wanted to return the sentiment, but her voice hitched under the influence of her lips softly brushing against her sensitive neck, increasing in urgency as her breathing grew heavy.

“You what?” Kanade asked in a teasing voice. Tsubasa could feel her smile against her skin, before she resumed kissing.

“Missed, nh...y-” She played along, trying to repeat herself, but her best efforts still left her stuttering incomprehensively. A hand slipped under the front of her top. “Kana- _de_!”

“Yes?” she said in a singsong.

What she was shouting about should have been obvious, but Kanade played oblivious, and Tsubasa was too flustered to say it directly. She mumbled around a moan she was repressing, then took a deep breath and blurted out as quickly as possible, “ _Imissedyoutoo._ ”

“I guess I shouldn’t leave any marks, huh?” Kanade said as she propped herself up higher. “This will have to stay between us.” She returned to her lips with the same accelerated energy, and Tsubasa had never been so grateful to Ogawa for getting her off work. 

* * *

 

They decided that as nice as their bed-bound reunion was, which lasted well over an hour according to Tsubasa’s alarm, their time was best spent outside. Kanade had snuck back to Maria’s room to change before Tsubasa retrieved her after getting ready for the day herself. Anticipation rushed the process, but she had to look at least presentable.

Kanade’s outfit wasn’t as carefully coordinated as Maria’s usually were, despite taking from the same wardrobe. Nobody around SONG would notice, and they weren’t leaving as themselves, so it wasn’t a concern since the goal was to go unrecognized. However, there was an improvement to be made.

“Your sunglasses,” Tsubasa pointed out. If she looked closely, her irises were noticeably not their usual blue. “There’s a better pair you should wear.”

“Does it matter? These were sitting out so I just took them.” Kanade followed her back into Maria’s room, where Tsubasa opened a shallow drawer full of sunglasses under the vanity mirror. She picked out a pair she’d seen before, with wire frames and mirrored lenses.

“We shouldn’t take any chances.” Kanade replaced the pair she was wearing with them.

Sliding them down the bridge of her nose with a seductive wink, she asked, “How do I look?” in a smooth voice.

Tsubasa’s heart skipped and her face warmed; looking pointedly away, she chided, “You should keep them on while we’re here.”

It was hard to keep a chaste distance from Kanade as she led her through the halls to the exit. They agreed to spend as much of the day as possible out, away from the people who would most easily recognize that something was off with Maria. Maybe somewhere along the way they would come up with a plan, but breakfast was more important.

Tsubasa was going to ask if Kanade had any places she wanted to revisit that they hadn’t gone to together in years, but Kanade had other places. “You still make a ton of money, right?”

“Yes, did you want to go somewhere nice?” She already decided she would spend any amount of money to make Kanade’s day back as perfect as she wanted. Getting paid from two different sources with few personal expenses meant she had considerable savings.

“What if we just bought out a bakery?” Taking cues from Maria’s face and voice meant Tsubasa couldn’t tell if Kanade was being serious. At her confusion, Kanade expanded. “Let’s do it, let’s buy everything we want and eat all of it, and who cares if it’s too much? We can get real food some other time.”

Hesitantly, Tsubasa said, “Alright, which one?” She had a momentary concern for her figure, purely for the sake of the upcoming concert, but harshly chastised herself for having that thought. One day of indulgence wasn’t going to hurt, and even if it did affect her, she would do that and more under the circumstances.

In the end, they didn’t decide on any one place nor did they buy out the entire stock, but picked up some of almost every selection from multiple bakeries. Stocked with everything sweet and savory, from dozens of macarons and an entire pie to curry bread and mini quiches, they hit a vending machine, also at Kanade’s request, and bought as many drinks as they could carry.

“Is this how you want to spend your first day back?” Tsubasa asked when they found a bench out of the way to hang out at. “You don’t want to go do something?”

“There’s more than three hours in a day, Tsubasa.” Kanade pressed a firm kiss to her cheek. “We can do something later, I just want to spend some quiet time with you.”

Tsubasa burned where her lips made contact, but after making sure there was no one in the surrounding area, she leaned into her side and accepted the bean paste bread she was handed. Kanade didn’t let the silence last long, and asked, “So what happened after the moon? I haven’t heard about whoever’s body I’m in.”

In the car in between bakeries, Tsubasa had caught Kanade up on the Lunar Incident, but hadn’t reached FIS. “We…actually didn’t have a good start. Maria was successful overseas, and we were arranged to hold a concert together. And, well, after the first set, Noise attacked, and she declared war.”

“And this maniac’s running around Division 2 now?” Kanade raised an eyebrow.

“It’s more complicated than that, she…I’ll explain when I get there.” If Tsubasa jumped around to excuse her actions, along with Kirika and Shirabe’s, who Kanade didn’t even know existed yet, then the story would only get lost. “But she’s not a bad person, just like how Yukine redeemed herself and helped stop the moon’s destruction.”

“Just how many of the current relic users were your enemies? We used to be the only ones.”

Tsubasa ran a quick mental count, realizing former foes outnumbered those who started with SONG. “There are six of us, and only Tachibana and I started where we are now.”

“More than half? Damn.” She gave a quick laugh and shook her head. “It sounds less lonely around there at least. I missed out.”

Tsubasa wanted to tell her that she could have that kind of company now, but kept quiet. There was no guarantee that Kanade was staying, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to give up Maria with no further regard to her. Maybe it was better that, as far as she knew, the decision was out of her hands; she couldn’t choose between two options that painful.

She continued retelling their introduction to FIS, Kanade mostly asking questions that would be answered later in the tale. She took specific interest in Dr. Ver’s upgraded LiNKER, probing to learn more about things Tsubasa couldn’t answer because she didn’t require it herself.

It wasn’t until she explained the spread of Gungnir through Hibiki’s body that Tsubasa started answering the interrupting questions. “She’s fine now, she found a way to purge the relic from herself.”

“Thank god,” Kanade sighed. “I’d feel bad if I saved her and that took her out.”

“Even if she didn’t survive, you gave her years she wouldn’t have without you.” Tsubasa immediately leapt to a defense that she didn’t need under the situation. “You…she would have died….” She trailed off and pressed herself into Kanade, forcing those thoughts back to the past where they belonged. It took a lot of work to stop putting the blame on Hibiki’s shoulders, and she didn’t want to be tempted back there.

“If I stick around long enough, I want to apologize.” Kanade wrapped an arm around Tsubasa; it had been so long since she’d been held, and even this morning wasn’t enough to sate her long-standing need. “She sounds like a good kid, I want to at least meet this girl if I get the chance.”

“When we go back tonight, we can-” Tsubasa was silenced when Kanade pressed a finger to her lips, that same hand holding a donut and probably getting crumbs on her chin.

“Not today. Today is just about us.” Kanade replaced that finger with her lips, drawing back soon after and taking a bite of what she was holding. “Anything else can come after,” she said around a mouthful of pastry.

“Then….” Tsubasa froze and smiled, playing along with Kanade’s carefree attitude. She gave a slight bow and recited, “Please take care of me.”

It had the desired effect, as Kanade burst into brief laughter and leaned against her. “Sure, sure, of course.” She dug around in one of the bags as if unable to make a decision between its contents, and said, “Okay, this is my last one, then we should find something else to do.” 

* * *

 

Despite planning to leave soon, they hung around for several hours more, only leaving when they were too full to eat any more of what they’d bought and realized they had even more excess than they’d thought. The leftovers were packed into the backseat of the car, and if some of it spoiled while they were out then they would be more careful next time but today was meant for frivolities. If the custards or other soon-to-perish food went bad, they were more easily replaced than time was.

It started with Kanade’s innocent – probably not innocent, actually – question, “How long has it been since I’ve heard you sing?”

Tsubasa refused to sing outside in public even with Kanade’s insistence that it was fine because no one was around. She settled with pushing her into a karaoke date. Tsubasa couldn’t turn her down, but even if she was capable of denying Kanade that, she wanted to sing alongside her again, too.

The last time Tsubasa had been to a karaoke place she had avoided suspicion with a disguise no more elaborate than she wore today. But with Maria being equally recognizable, and perhaps more infamous than Tsubasa was famous, she worried the two of them going together would raise a question or two. Kanade talked her into going, sure that it would be fine and that Tsubasa was always worried over nothing.

Kanade flipped through the radio while Tsubasa drove, never settling on a song for more than a verse or two. “I don’t recognize this stuff,” she half marveled, half complained. “You’d think some of the others from back then would still be around.”

“Some of them are still on the air, but not many songs from that year.” Almost everything on the usual stations was released within the past year, or from well before Kanade’s death.

“I hope there’s something I recognize where we’re going. Maybe some of our old stuff.” She grinned and switched stations again, and in a voice with too much levity said, “We can have a happier conclusion to our last concert set.”

Tsubasa hummed in acknowledgement, but didn’t find it nearly as light a topic. She hadn’t heard some of those songs since then, or at least not since the months following the incident. They didn’t have enough influence over the media to keep Zwei Wing songs from playing as a “tribute” everywhere music could be found.

“ _When you turn around, what kind of smile will you show me?_ ”

A stray song lyric caught her attention; she’d sang it enough during recording to pick it out subconsciously, even when lost in thought.

Kanade was silent, and when she turned to ask her what was wrong, she realized.

“ _Before I was able to say ‘Thank you’/Your fingers vanished, crumbled away._ ”

Tsubasa moved to turn it off, but Kanade blocked her hand and covered the buttons on the panel. “This is you, isn’t it?” she asked, although it was more of a statement than a question.

“It’s new, I don’t want to hear it anymore,” she said, using the first valid excuse that came to her.

“It’s not new to me, I told you I wanted to hear you sing.” Kanade must have picked up on the meaning of the song already, because her voice was low and quiet with no inclination of teasing her like she was moments ago.

“That’s what we’re going to do….” She trailed off, already resigned to the fact that nothing she could say would convince Kanade to not listen to something she planned for her to never hear.

“ _Your image of me, was I able to live up to it?_ ”

Eventually Kanade withdrew her hand from the console, probably knowing Tsubasa had no intention to change it at this point. The two sat in silence as Kanade kept a serious, focused expression.

“ _I want you to praise me, tell me that I’ve become stronger._ ”

She tried to block out the words, but they bounced around in her head reminding her of every single detail of the event.

“ _Is there an answer in that spreading sky?_ ”

Tsubasa forced her full attention to the road; she was in danger of drifting into another lane if she kept trying to read Kanade’s face.

“ _You were my everything._ ”

The only reason she was able to write and perform _Sora e…_ was because she had finally started to move past that chapter of her life. Having her feelings laid bare in front of the target of her turmoil was setting her back to how things used to be.

“ _I’ll live on._ ”

Still miles from their destination, she turned into the first parking lot she could and stopped the car.

“ _If I close my eyes/I can always sing together with you._ ”

She crossed her arms over the top of the steering wheel and buried her face into them, shame overtaking her.

The longer Kanade was quiet, the harder it was to keep herself together in front of her. She took long, deep breaths, letting each memory of the concert incident run its course and trying not to hang onto any particular one.

Finally, Kanade said simply, “Hey.” Tsubasa turned her head a little to look at her. Placing a hand on top of Tsubasa’s, Kanade smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

That’s all it took for Tsubasa to break down, and she returned to staring at her lap, sobbing freely. Dimly, she was aware of Kanade unbuckling her seatbelt before leaning across the center console to hug her.

“It was a shock to see you so grown up.” Kanade unbuckled hers next, pulling her away from the wheel and into her arms. It wasn’t a comfortable situation, trying to melt into her from opposite sides of the car, but she preferred this to sitting alone.

“You’ve done so well without me. I told you that you could stand on your own, but you never believed me.” Tsubasa recognized the hitch in Maria’s voice, something she hadn’t heard from Kanade since she first opened up about her family. She leaned back to look at her questioningly.

“Are you okay?” Tsubasa wasn’t speaking any more steadily, but that didn’t halt her concern.

“Yeah.” Kanade smiled, but her eyes began glistening. “I thought I’d never get to see you like this.”

Tsubasa didn’t know what to say, and continued crying softly into her shoulder. “If I don’t stick around, I want you to keep on living like this.” Kanade paused, taking a short breath before continuing. “You can’t think of this as losing me again, okay? It’s just…kind of a break from being alone.”

She could only nod; Kanade becoming emotional was rare, and felt like validation for she herself becoming a useless weeping wreck the deeper she fell into sadness. “You’ve moved on, don’t let this set you back.”

Tsubasa nodded, but wasn’t sure if she could promise her that. She’d moved on with the secure knowledge that she would never see her again. It was possible that she was going to have her back long enough to get readjusted, and the thought of losing her without warning again, even if she weren’t around that long, was too much.

“Don’t be so sad,” Kanade chided, even though her voice lost all steadiness by this point. “You should be happy, because this isn’t a chance other people get.”

Between the music and Tsubasa being unable to reign in her tears, it wasn’t silent, but they stayed there unspeaking in each other’s company. Eventually, Kanade patted her shoulder. “We’re gonna regret it if we waste a bunch of time just sitting here sulking.”

“Mm.” Reluctantly, Tsubasa let go and returned to the wheel, wiping her eyes dry.

“C’mon, I bet you two songs in you’re back to normal.” Her palpable confidence returned like it never left.

“You might be right.” It had been some time since she sang for fun rather than obligation, but even longer since she’d sang with Kanade at all. The instant she’d gotten over that hurdle, it was one of the most enjoyable and uplifting things she’d ever done. Steeling herself, she pulled out of the parking lot and returned to their route. 

* * *

 

The pair stayed out until a late enough hour that Ogawa had called Tsubasa to make sure they were okay, and reminding them they should be in bed early enough for early work tomorrow. They considered it a fulfilling day, speed bumps be damned. Tsubasa wouldn’t have traded a moment with her for anything.

“You don’t have much to look forward to with this,” Kanade said with a grimace as she placed a beer bottle down onto Tsubasa’s bedside table. A trip to a convenience store was their last stop for the night, for that reason.

“If you don’t like it you don’t have to finish it.” She didn’t regret a single yen spent, so she didn’t care about the couple hundred that went towards the beer either.

“I’ve waited this long to be legal, I’ve gotta get through this.” With a steely expression, she picked it back up and took another several gulps.

Tsubasa sighed, but shifted to lay across her lap and stare up at her. She couldn’t help but smile as Kanade’s face twisted again before she returned to the bottle, already having forced down half of it. “At least take it slowly.”

“It’s late, and you have to work tomorrow.” She glanced upwards in thought. “Or, we have work tomorrow? We’ll see where that goes.”

The lack of a plan formed a little ball of stress at the back of Tsubasa’s mind, but in Kanade’s presence she could ignore it. What would happen, would happen, and they didn’t know enough to form a solid plan, nor did they have the time to consider every possible option.

“Hey.” Kanade stared at the bottle seriously, then back down directly into Tsubasa’s eyes. “Do you remember that promise we made?”

“Which?” They exchanged several that she could recall. That they would always sing together, that they would protect each other no matter what, idle words between teenagers that she took to heart.

“That when we were old enough, we’d….” She gave Tsubasa a chance to answer, but at her silence, continued. “We would be each other’s first time.”

“Our first….” When it clicked, there was an immediate heat in Tsubasa’s cheeks and she looked away. “Oh.”

“It’s on you, considering I’m not really me, right now. And if you’re ready.” Kanade ran a hand through Tsubasa’s hair soothingly; she focused on that sensation to ground herself.

There were many moral implications involving Maria and she wished she had the time to sort through them. That daunting task fell to the wayside under a positivity that she would regret it if she didn’t. It wasn’t Maria, it was Kanade. She had seen Maria undressed before, this would be nothing new.

Simplifying the logic to herself under a wave of both nerves and excitement, she sat up, loosely wrapping her arms around Kanade. “If you’re okay with it too, then….” Unable to form the words to verbally consent, she leaned in to gently place their lips together.

Kanade reached behind herself and blindly knocked the bottle she was holding around the things on the table, trying to set it down without turning away. Eventually she succeeded, and her now-free hand flew to Tsubasa’s neck, pulling her in for a deeper, hungry kiss.

Although briefly startled at the sudden forwardness, Tsubasa made her best effort to meet her passion. She tried to ignore their end goal, worrying that planning to perform such an intimate act rather than letting it happen organically would somehow ruin it. The pressure it put on her kept her mind frozen.

Kanade must have sensed her problem, because she pulled away and looked at her with concern rather than something like lust. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Tsubasa nodded, but didn’t follow to resume like she wanted to be able to do. “It’s my first time, so….” She swallowed hard, eyes downcast.

Kanade chuckled and stroked her cheek. “Is that all it is? I don’t have any more experience than you do.”

It was easy to forget that Kanade wasn’t ages ahead of her in everything, especially this. Her effortless demeanor when she took the lead spoke of someone who had bedded dozens of women, or at least one woman dozens of time. “Just relax,” she urged. “We’ll figure this out together.”

Moving back in for a kiss as intense as the previous, Kanade guided Tsubasa to lay down on her back under her. “Just tell me if you want to stop,” she said when she pulled away to slide Tsubasa’s shirt over her head. “Any reason.”

“It’s fine,” Tsubasa said as smoothly as she was capable. There wasn’t a single doubt in her mind that Kanade would push her too far or refuse to slow down no matter how much she was into it.

She told herself it was okay, that she’d seen Maria change, she’d seen her in the shower, this wouldn’t be any different. It would be a lie to say she’d never felt some shameful excitement over seeing her like that, but this was on another level. Just seeing her bare shoulders as she kneeled above her, being able to take in the curve of her hips…desperately, Tsubasa yanked Kanade back down to her for a forceful kiss to take her mind off of her friend so that she could continue with the one she’d lost in her full focus. 

* * *

 

Maria finally awoke from her too-long sleep. She wanted it to be a vivid dream, just a disgraceful fantasy that her mind wove together that nobody had to know about. It was harder to convince herself of that when she definitely remembered wearing different pajamas when she went to bed, not to mention she _always_ buttoned up her top all the way.

Fearfully, she sat up to check the floor. She never once left her clothes discarded there, but like she remembered Kanade had done, there they were nowhere near the hamper. Even with this evidence, she wanted it to be impossible, but her initial role with FIS was to host Fine’s soul. Enough mysteries surrounded those circumstances that she couldn’t truly say that this was definitely impossible.

She threw herself back down onto the mattress, dragging her hands down her face. Life wouldn’t stop just because of this, and she had to get over this and at least take care of her minimum responsibilities.

Her own mind wouldn’t let go of the previous day no matter how hard she tried to leave it in the past and disassociate the memories from herself. The still-lingering feeling of Tsubasa’s lips at her collar, Maria hooking her thumbs into the waistband of her skirt, watching her composure fall to pieces as she-

Maria chased those thoughts away, trying to clear her mind of the memories that brought a deep blush to her face. She studied the pattern on her bedspread, actively shutting out Tsubasa’s breathy voice invading her efforts. Calling Kanade’s name through heavy pants as she stared into her eyes with her arms tightening around her…Maria considered slapping herself to draw her attention back to something appropriate.

It wasn’t what she wanted, but she was sure that there was something that could keep her away from that. That Tsubasa admitted to Kanade that she didn’t feel for Maria the way she felt about her, and her discomfort with intimacy when it wasn’t physically Kanade in front of her.

She knew she couldn’t match up to Kanade, but to have the fact thrown in her face like that hurt badly. And because of that she would never have more than that first-person view of someone else holding Tsubasa, would never experience it for herself. Would never have Tsubasa’s affections directed at her.

Her eyes stung as tears welled in the corners. On some level, maybe she deserved this. This was comeuppance for hoarding indecent thoughts about her friend, her wish being granted with a steep price. If she could give away those memories that didn’t belong to her she would readily, not just for her own sake but for Tsubasa’s right to keep a private moment private.

Before she could trap herself in a cycle and run out of time to prepare for the day, she kicked her legs over the side of the mattress and sat up, wiping her eyes dry. She would distract herself with work and routine if she had to, making sure that her focus was restricted to things that wouldn’t negatively affect anyone.

Yet still, temptation intruded in on her. Recalling shaky hands stripping her as she undressed herself to change for the day, trying to brush her hair as the feeling of those same hands getting lost in it became more vivid, she cursed her weak self-control for returning there. Surely if she weren’t alone, or more specifically if she had people watching her, she wouldn’t feel so shamefully comfortable going back to that.

Unfortunately, the first person she ran into before reaching the dining area was the one she didn’t want to have a one-on-one meeting with. “Good morning, Tsubasa,” she said, trying to sound nonchalant and cheerful.

“Maria.” Most of Tsubasa’s emotional reactions were subtle, but this was not one of them. As soon as their eyes met, the heartbreak on Tsubasa’s face was so clear any passing stranger could have recognized it. She tried to ignore the sudden ache in her chest.

Hoping that she was convincing in pretending to not notice, Maria struck up casual conversation. “Did you sleep well?”

“Wonderfully.” Tsubasa kept herself steady this time, but Maria knew that was a lie. While it wasn’t the memory at the front of her mind, one of the last things Kanade did before sleeping was calm Tsubasa down from panicking over the fact that she might not be there when she woke up. She felt guilty for returning to her own body and bringing Tsubasa’s fear to life after Kanade had spent so long reassuring her that she would be fine no matter the outcome.

In truth, Maria wasn’t sure whether she’d prefer to return or not. Tsubasa was so happy the day before, and it wasn’t as if she’d receive nothing in return for the arrangement. Up to a lifetime with Tsubasa, even if she wasn’t herself. Acknowledging that she would go that far to be with Tsubasa caused her stomach to flip, and she was nauseous with grief.

“We…should eat before rehearsal.” Her appetite was long gone, but she knew she’d regret it more if she skipped breakfast and threw herself into their physically-intensive work.

Tsubasa seemed equally reluctant to get near food, but she nodded. “Yes.” Her single-word answers drove a nail into Maria’s spine. While Tsubasa wasn’t a talkative person, she always had something to say to Maria, and the way she readily opened up to her was perhaps the one thing that kept her faith hanging that she might one day have an opportunity to end a confession with acceptance.

Maria had no say in the matter, but in getting so close to Tsubasa, their chances at ever being together were dashed, possibly along with their friendship.

* * *

 

If Maria noticed Tsubasa’s mood being at the lowest point as it had since the early recovery stages after the concert incident, she didn’t show any signs of being aware. Or more likely she did, and Tsubasa’s perception was dulled by her distracted mind.

Logically, this is how things should have been. Under all other circumstances, Kanade was already gone for good and she should have been grateful for even a few minutes to reconcile, let alone an entire day. Maria, conversely, still hopefully had decades of living ahead of her, and it would be wrong to decide for her that her life would be traded for Kanade’s.

Tsubasa wondered just kind of person she was that, if only for a few moments throughout the day, she was so ready to give Maria up when presented with the alternative.

Even if Maria knew nothing of it, Tsubasa was too ashamed to face her after thinking like that. Maria deserved a better friend than her, and it was only an insult to lend to the fantasy that one day she might put herself on equal ground by dating her. And Maria was completely, totally unaware of how she’d treated her, striking up small talk continuously, from the very beginning of their day to this rehearsal’s beginning.

“That day off better have been important,” the director said accusingly. “You’re completely out of sync. The concert is at the end of the month!”

It wasn’t just Tsubasa’s mistakes, but Maria was taking an equal brunt of the heat. Tsubasa wanted to shoot her every apologetic, guilt-driven look she could for throwing her off, but at first glance her gaze was practically repelled. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Maria also constantly turning towards her and flitting back, probably out of frustration for her stepping out of turn so frequently.

“Get it together, girls!” The director groaned and waved his hand. “We’re cutting this set short. Take your break now and I expect you to find your rhythm by the time you get back on.”

Tsubasa winced, taking the words as if they were a punishment. Her personal business was intruding on her professional life, as well as affecting Maria’s. She retreated to one of the chairs in the backstage to collect herself.

Shortly after, Maria stood in front of her, offering a water bottle. “Not feeling yourself today?”

Tsubasa took it without looking at her. “Sorry, I’m only messing you up.”

“No, it’s not you, I must be wearing out from all this work so many days in a row.” She sighed heavily. “I guess even you have your limits, too.”

“Yeah.” If it were purely the physical wear, she could have done this for months on end tirelessly, but she had no better excuse.

“Yesterday was a long day for the both of us, right?” Maria leaned down into the edge of her line of sight. “You’re allowed a bad day or two.”

“Yes.” Tsubasa opened the bottle more out of politeness than a need for water, but then froze. Yesterday. “Maria. What happened yesterday?”

There was a suspicious pause. “How out of it are you? We practiced late like every other night.”

Tsubasa’s stomach fell as deep as it could possibly go. “Yesterday- our last rehearsal. Ogawa and I pulled strings to end it early.”

For the first time that day, Tsubasa got a good look at Maria’s face, and the shock frozen on it. Her mouth hung open in a lost word, but she made no attempt to force it out.

“What do you know about yesterday?” Her heart raged faster than any exercise could have done to it. After a longer silence, she was growing desperate from impatience and fear. “Maria!”

“I was conscious.” The pit in Tsubasa’s stomach grew large enough that it could have swallowed her. “Not active, but I saw everything.”

“Maria…I’m sorry.” Tsubasa hunched over and buried her face in her hands. “If I had any idea you would know…no, I shouldn’t have anyways, there was no guarantee that you wouldn’t- no, more than that. I…with you….”

Maria was silent as Tsubasa tried to form an apology, but words weren’t enough. She couldn’t think of an action that would make up for it, either.

“It’s fine,” Maria said when Tsubasa trailed off into borderline hyperventilating. “I’m not upset. It’s…distracting, at the most, but it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” Maria really _was_ too good a friend if she was here comforting her after violating her privacy and perhaps even dignity like that. “To do those unwanted things with you-”

“Tsubasa.” A hand was placed over hers, and Maria looked at her sternly. “It’s _fine._ If it helps you feel better…maybe it wasn’t completed unwanted.” Tsubasa looked at her incredulously. “If that’s what it takes for you to be happy for a day, it’s not a terrible cost.”

“You….” The words reached her ears, but she rejected the meaning for a reason she couldn’t discern. Most likely, because after being so selfish, she definitely didn’t deserve Maria’s friendship or beyond.

“I like you, Tsubasa.” Her voice faltered and her cheeks reddened. “I learned it’s not returned without ever getting to tell you, but if I could help you like that, then I’m still happy.” Wordlessly, Tsubasa turned over the hand that Maria was covering, lacing their fingers together. “Tsubasa?”

“I thought…” she swallowed and her eyes returned to her lap, “that you would have no interest in someone like me.”

“That’s ridiculous! You’re, well,” Maria tapped the underside of Tsubasa’s chin to draw her attention back to her. “You’re perfect, and anybody would be wrong to not see that.”

“You….” Words wouldn’t come, but she squeezed Maria’s hand a little tighter. “I feel the same about you.” With a deep breath, riding on emotion and forcing everything else aside, she asked, “Would you like to start from the beginning?”

“The beginning?” Maria tilted her head to the side inquisitively.

“A relationship. We can start over.” The two of them, while technically Maria wasn’t involved, had reached a level of physical intimacy that she felt should be reserved for after they’d been dating for some time. She’d been with Kanade longer than she knew Maria, even counting the time they’d fought.

Maria smiled and gazed softly into her eyes. “I’d be honored.”

The two leaned forward towards each other, but before contact could be made, Tsubasa released Maria’s hand and returned to lean back in her own seat. At yet another confused stare from Maria, Tsubasa’s eyes flicked to a group of workers a few yards away. “We can’t here.”

“Oh, right.” Maria sighed and slouched back. “I suppose this will have to be a secret, won’t it?”

“It’s hard, but it’s not impossible,” she promised. “And it’s worth it.”

“I’ll trust you.” Her voice was sincere and eager, and gave Tsubasa hope that this might go well.

“Are you two ready?” The director came back to them, tapping his foot impatiently. “Let’s try this again.”

With a smile so small that no one else might have noticed, Tsubasa returned to the stage with a renewed vigor, and she was sure her spirits were lifted enough now that she could resume work properly.


	2. Bonus lewd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cut fade-to-black from the main fic itself, expanded. This was originally scrapped simply because I couldn't handle it, but I worked myself up to it so you get some softness.

Tsubasa pulled Kanade to her, down to meet her lips, and kissed her aggressively. She squeezed her eyes shut, Kanade matching and surpassing her ferocity. Kanade laid fully on top of her, pressing her weight against her to keep her pinned and unable to move without making it difficult to breath, something they’d put much practice into years before.

The forcefulness of Kanade’s lips and tongue contrasted the softness of her hand caressing Tsubasa’s cheek. Tsubasa moved her hands to Kanade’s hair to ruffle it around more than it already was like she always did, but felt nothing but Maria’s, silky and much more tamed. Trying not to think about that, Tsubasa threaded her hands through it anyways, the texture new to her.

Kanade leaned back up and looked at Tsubasa. “We don’t have to do this, I know you think this is weird.”

“It’s fine,” she said, a bit of a lie. It was weird, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to face Maria if she ever came back, but she really was fine with it. If she didn’t take full advantage of the time she had, she was going to regret it when Kanade was gone.

Kanade, however, didn’t look convinced. Then her face lit up when an idea crossed her mind. “Wait there.”

Tsubasa laid still but watched as Kanade leaned over the side of the bed and retrieved the long-sleeved shirt she’d just shed. She rolled the torso of it around until it formed a rope-like shape, and instructed, “Lean your head up and close your eyes.”

Pushing herself upwards by her elbows, Tsubasa complied, closing her eyes and taking slow, steady breaths. Kanade held the shirt to the bridge of Tsubasa’s nose, wrapping it around her head and tying it in the back; Tsubasa’s heart pounded in her ears as she realized she was now essentially blindfolded.

“I can’t do anything about what you hear, but you don’t have to see her now.” She could feel Kanade shifting to a better position atop her, the mattress dipping at either side of her shoulders where Kanade was supporting her weight. Despite the fear of the unknown and unseen, and the awkwardness that hung over the entire day, she was growing more excited by the second.

A familiar chuckle came from above her, and she heard in a comically high-pitched voice, “Unless I talk like this so we sound different.” And then in the next moment, an unnaturally-low voice, like a young girl imitating her father, “Or like this.”

Tsubasa couldn’t help but laugh, the dissonance between Kanade’s demeanor and Maria’s voice amusing even in this situation. “It’s fine the way you were,” she said, blindly reaching out for Kanade’s wrist to rest her hand on hers. The mattress sunk again as Kanade presumably changed position again, but she couldn’t tell to what other than the fact that she was still on top of her.

“Then I’m gonna start again, okay?” Tsubasa gave a brief nod as her heart skipped, and the instant she did, another pair of lips were against hers. Her sensitivity was heightened without her sight, and just a kiss was like a fire burning everywhere Kanade touched.

It wasn’t long before one of Kanade’s hands found its way under Tsubasa’s bra, slipping under the wire and sitting firmly between her breast and the padding. Kanade gave a light squeeze, and Tsubasa arched her back uncontrollably, the new sensation too much so suddenly.

“Ow-” Kanade yanked away, and Tsubasa unclenched her hands, realizing she’d balled them into fists while still in her hair and mumbled an apology. Kanade kept her hand in place, unmoving now to let Tsubasa adjust to the touch. Blindfolded, Tsubasa could imagine it was Kanade when there was nothing to listen to, but when she spoke there was something undeniably sexy about Maria’s breathy voice in her ear. “Damn, you’re still so wound up. Relax, Tsubasa.”

Kanade’s other hand rose to mirror the one already under her bra, remaining still but causing her to heat up from head to toe. Anticipation melted away her cowardice, and she was worked up to a light pant. If just this was having such a strong effect on her, she was afraid but couldn’t wait to see what would happen when they took it further.

After an eternity, Kanade’s hands began moving, just wiggling her fingers at first, and working up to a gentle massage. Eased into it, Tsubasa began to melt, already feeling a light sweat across her forehead and down her spine. Kanade’s lips continued moving enthusiastically against hers, the kiss only broken for the occasional hard breath or pleased sigh.

“You still doing okay?” Kanade had released her lips to whisper into her ear, hands frozen as she waited on an answer.

Tsubasa breathed out heavily, gasping for enough air to speak coherently. “Mm-hm,” she mumbled, all she could get out, and nodded furiously. Consent reaffirmed, Kanade resumed her kneading, nipping along the curve of her ear and bringing Tsubasa to a whimpering state.

“You aren’t gonna touch me at all?” Kanade asked in a teasing voice. Tsubasa realized she’d been gripping the sheets with everything she had, probably in a subconscious effort to avoid hurting her again. “Not that I mind you being passive.”

Wordlessly, Tsubasa let go and raised her hands to caress Kanade’s thighs, feeling Maria’s muscles, toned from both dancing and fighting, flex as she moved around on top of her, the hushed sound of hair and clothing the only hint as to what was happening. Kanade descended again, latching onto Tsubasa’s neck with her mouth and swirling her tongue around. That was too much stimulation at once, and she shuddered and jerked upwards.

“Ah, Tsubasa!” Kanade shouted, but seemingly in pain more than pleasure. Tsubasa moved to rip the blindfold off and see what she did but Kanade grabbed her by the wrists before she could. “Ow, damn….”

“What happened?” Her heart hammered again, but in worry rather than thrill. “Are you okay?”

“It’s fine, I just didn’t notice your nails are grown out.” Kanade let go of one of Tsubasa’s wrists to take her other hand in both of her own. “Guess you really aren’t interested in anyone, huh? That Maria girl did too, damn, this complicates things.”

“What does that have to do with it?” She felt around to lightly stroke Kanade’s palm. It was better that she made the assumption that Tsubasa had no romantic target, but at the back of her mind she felt a little disheartened that Maria showed a sign of disinterest as well.

“Because you’re a lesbian,” Kanade said as if that explained everything. At her silence, she elaborated. “You know, when two girls are together….” More silence, and Kanade raised her voice. “Tsubasa, why do you think I wore fake nails?”

“I never questioned that.” Her choices were her choices, and it’s not as if Kanade ever brought it up when they were dating as teenagers.

Kanade laughed and crawled off of Tsubasa to lay next to her. “You really are a baby, aren’t you?” Tsubasa reached for her, but was blocked. “Put your hands over your head, I’ll show you.”

Confused, but unmistakably excited at the implication of her command, Tsubasa raised her hands and laid them on the bed near the headboard. There was a quiet sound of fabric rustling, followed by the silky material of the necktie Kanade had worn out pressed against her wrists before tying them together. Tsubasa’s chest tightened and she took a deep breath, waiting for Kanade’s next move.

Kanade laid back down and cuddled up against her, and the feeling of bare skin against Tsubasa’s own promised something exciting. One of Kanade’s hands held the dangling end of the tie taut, while her other travelled down Tsubasa’s front painfully slowly, and her mouth settled at her collarbone.

“If you have nails, your options are a little limited,” Kanade explained. She expertly unbuttoned Tsubasa’s pants, slipping her hand under them as Tsubasa became nearly nauseous from her nerves firing. She wanted this though, and had effortlessly overcome more dangerous and less desirable situations than intimacy.

“Not to be blunt, but if I go in your panties like this, I could hurt you.” Kanade ran a finger over said fabric, and Tsubasa jolted, hips bucking into her touch. “And I’m not looking to get hurt either, so we have to be careful.”

As Kanade began making rhythmic strokes across her, Tsubasa’s mind flashed white and the sound of panting and gasping took over the silence. Dignity faded as she was too overwhelmed to care about composure and began squirming, barely restraining herself from grinding her hips as hard as she could against Kanade’s light touch. She tried telling Kanade she understood what she meant now, but that part of her brain stopped functioning.

Tsubasa was familiar with being aroused, as she and Kanade had done a fair bit of exploration over their clothes before the concert incident, and even a little under the shirt. This was far beyond any of those feelings, almost too much to comprehend; in fact it was too much to comprehend, and at the forefront of her mind was a vague desire for more.

Too soon, Kanade took her hand away, drawing circles on Tsubasa’s burning skin with her fingertips. “If you don’t mind, I don’t want to finish yet.”

That carnal need that was brought forth was ready to beg to finish, and get as much of Kanade as soon as possible to soothe the aching desire. But a larger part of Tsubasa wanted it to never end, to feel Kanade’s hands and tongue on every inch of her body, just so that she couldn’t leave her side. She wasn’t sure how to answer her.

“If you trust me, just nod or something.” Tsubasa nodded. “Alright, let me know if I push you too far.”

Tsubasa could only guess at what was happening when Kanade left her side, but there was no mistaking her plans when the mattress sunk near Tsubasa’s thighs, and fingers hooked in either side of the waistband of her pants. Kanade pulled them down her legs slowly, Tsubasa lifting herself so that they could be stripped away. Embarrassment crept in; this really was different from just changing in front of each other, but she could ignore it.

Kanade pressed her lips to Tsubasa’s knee, making a series of nips and kisses up her thigh. Tsubasa was surprised at how such a small gesture left sparks behind, sensitivity reaching a new high and only growing. Her hips swayed and she was practically throbbing when Kanade reached her hip.

Not stopping where Tsubasa thought she would, Kanade continued her ascent, kissing all the way to her stomach. When Tsubasa expected her to make her way back to her breasts, Kanade drew in a deep breath and, returning her mouth to her belly, blew a loud raspberry.

Tsubasa laughed as it tickled, but also at the absurdity that was Kanade stripping her simply to act so childish. It was this that she missed the most, not just the physical aspect, but the carefree silliness that came so effortlessly when they were close. Like this, blinded and distracted, it was easy to imagine it was Kanade herself with her, as if she were never gone.

“If you don’t unwind a little you’re gonna snap,” Kanade chastised, and it felt like she laid down next to her again. Tsubasa was peppered with kisses all over from her face to her torso, not knowing where the next one would be placed. “Enjoy yourself.”

It was hard to pout when she was so happy, both from the lingering joy of Kanade being back and their activities. Kanade resumed her progression up Tsubasa’s torso, cutting her giggling short and her heaving breaths returned. She stopped at her bra, pushing it up out of the way and sucking lightly on the underside of her breast.

“I won’t leave a mark where anyone can see,” she said, pulling away only long enough to speak. When she moved to her nipple, Tsubasa’s breathing escalated to the occasional soft moan, and Kanade scraped her teeth against the skin to elicit louder vocalizations.

Tsubasa’s opposite breast was occupied by one of Kanade’s hands, and Tsubasa began flexing her own after inadvertently sinking her nails into her palm. She struggled against the bind, not in an attempt to escape but because there was nothing to do but writhe under Kanade.

“You haven’t grown much here, have you?” Kanade stopped to tease her again with a low laugh. “You might have even gotten smaller.”

Tsubasa wanted to protest to being teased, but all she could do was gasp in pleasure when Kanade licked across her breast before nipping at it. When Tsubasa was sure she was going to go crazy with lust, Kanade let go, one hand trailing back down Tsubasa’s stomach.

She could swear Kanade was only slowing down the further she got, and Tsubasa had never been so desperate to be touched. Her hips began rolling in anticipation as Kanade reached her navel, and she became almost dizzy when she ran over her panties again. This time, Kanade herself descended next, pressing kisses down Tsubasa’s body before stopping and positioning herself between her legs.

Kanade slipped into her waistband and slid her panties down next, slowly easing her into it, but Tsubasa was too embarrassed to tell her she needed her to do anything to her, soon. She squirmed and ground her thighs together, trying to assist Kanade in further undressing her quickly.

“Not much I can do with these,” Kanade said, lightly running Maria’s nails along her inner thigh, while her other arm nudged at Tsubasa’s opposite leg, encouraging her spread them apart a little further. “Our options are limited, so tell me if it’s too much.”

Trembling all over, Tsubasa nodded and whimpered, terrified but impatient, her trust in Kanade allowing her to relax just enough to almost hold still. Hot air blew over her, and it was becoming harder to keep her breathing under control and her focus steady. All efforts fell apart when something warm and soft pressed against her, shooting a new wave of indescribable pleasure through her.

She could recognize the feeling and movements of Kanade’s lips against skin so sensitive it was almost painful, embarrassment flooding what conscious thought remained. Unable to see, she tried to imagine what it might look like in a more ideal situation, Kanade positioned between her legs, hands at her thighs to keep them suitably apart, perhaps only her hair visible from where Tsubasa might be able to see were she not blindfolded. She tried to tear away from that image to preserve some dignity, but it wouldn’t leave.

Even shame faded shortly after as Tsubasa was reduced to thrusting her hips in time with Kanade’s tongue, which had moved inside her, not even trying to restrain herself, because she was sure she was incapable. The pad of one of Kanade’s fingers stroked along the outside, perhaps her palm; Tsubasa couldn’t tell.

Kanade stopped suddenly, still staying close to her. “Tsubasa?”

A choked, “Hm?” was all she could get out.

“I don’t think I’ve heard you sing enough today.” She rested a cheek on one of Tsubasa’s legs, and Tsubasa could picture the relaxed smile she was probably giving her.

With the momentary reprieve, Tsubasa was able to ask, “Right now?” in disbelief.

“Now is as good a time as any.” Kanade feathered her thigh with a few light, tickling kisses. “Sing me something.”

Tsubasa swallowed repeatedly, suddenly very conscious of her dry throat and the off pitch of her voice. She mumbled a few times in an attempt to start something, but her mind was in no place to settle on a song. “I’ll start then,” Kanade hummed, opening with a gentle, “Yes, just believe.”

It was a duet, something Tsubasa would have to try keep pace with Kanade for, and she knew she was going to fall behind. Swallowing one last time, she joined in, “ _Ka, misa- sama_ …” she was surprised at how hard it was to sing something she’d performed countless times before, and was completely unable to keep pace with Kanade, “ _m- mm, mo shi- rahh, shiranai_.”

“ _Hikari de rekishi wo tsukurou_.” Kanade was singing much more effortlessly than Tsubasa, and returned to where she’d been formally, running her tongue along Tsubasa and causing her to spasm at the sudden feeling.

Tsubasa had to stifle a series of moans to follow her lead, hoping that her attempt was understandable. “ _Gya- ahh! akkou no,_ Ka, nade….” Kanade was laughing lowly at her attempt, which only made Tsubasa’s job harder. “ _No sha, ah, awah._ ”

“ _Mirai terasu._ ” If it weren’t for the intense sensations taking over every function of Tsubasa’s mind, she might have been jealous that Kanade was keeping herself together so easily.

“ _Issho ni toba-_ ” she started, almost getting out a short coherent line, but was cut off by a near-scream forcing its way out. “ _n, na, nai ka?”_ Somehow trying to focus on Kanade’s voice and the following lyrics only made her more aware of what was going on, rather than distracting her. “Just feeling _na,_ Kanade! _Na- ahn, nahh-_ ”

She was unable to form a proper phrase, which quickly dissolved into the inability to sing just one word, while Kanade was patiently drawing out her own lines. By this point, she couldn’t even remember how the song went, falling into gasps that vaguely followed the beat of Kanade’s words.

“ _Namida,_ ” Kanade continued without her, “ _de nureta hane omokute._ ” Tsubasa felt her rhythm speed up to an unbearable level. “ _Habatakenai hi wa_ wish.”

“ _S- so…._ ” She held on desperately, trying not to think about how determinedly she was grinding against Kanade’s mouth to prevent shame from settling in. “ _Sono to, ki n- nh, ni wa, ahh…._ ” No, that wasn’t the next line.

“ _Sono migite ni soeyou_ ,” Kanade corrected her, but her words were becoming harder and harder to hear. “ _Boku no chikara mo._ ”

Tsubasa didn’t even try to sing the next line. Kanade’s words blurred together as she was no longer able to process hearing the individual syllables for what felt like a solid minute, before unidentified feelings overwhelmed her. She struggled and thrashed, not to get away – she definitely didn’t want to get away – but because she had nothing else to do but pull at the tie and try not to kick Kanade in her throes.

Even though Tsubasa was blindfolded and unable to see, she could tell her vision was fading. It was dark, but she was unable to comprehend that all she could see was darkness, taken over by warmth flooding throughout her and relaxing all tension. She didn’t regain any sort of awareness for some time, realizing Kanade had already pulled away and was resting against her thigh.

“How was that?” Kanade asked, a cocky edge to her voice. When Tsubasa failed to reply with more than labored breathing, she changed the question to, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Tsubasa panted, shame creeping back in now that she was so alert, and the realization of her position returned, along with embarrassment. “Amazing.”

Kanade laughed confidently again, crawling back upwards to plant a kiss on Tsubasa’s forehead. “No regrets?”

“None.” She smiled, breath finally evening out. Kanade lifted her head and Tsubasa could feel her fiddling with the knot at the back of the shirt blindfolding her, and she said, “Wait.”

“What’s up?” She let go of it and stroked Tsubasa’s hair. “Wanna go again?”

“Not that, just…” Tsubasa wasn’t sure how to say what she was thinking. “What about you?”

“Huh? What about me?” Kanade sounded genuinely confused.

“You know, I just….” Tsubasa hoped Kanade would understand what she was trying to say, but she didn’t seem to. Steeling herself to actually say it, Tsubasa blurted out, “I want to make you come, too.”

Kanade responded with a quick, barking laugh. “That’s not important, dummy.”

“It is,” Tsubasa argued, trying to give her a firm look but Kanade wouldn’t be able to see it. “Let me do this.”

Her laughter settled down, Kanade sighed. “Alright, I’ll try to go easy on you.”

Tsubasa wasn’t sure how she was supposed to do the same from where she was, or how she could if she couldn’t even see, and waited to be guided to somewhere that she could. Instead, she could feel Kanade moving and either sitting up or getting off the bed completely. There was the sound of clothing ruffling, then a weight on Tsubasa’s breastbone, and the mattress pressed down around her head and shoulders.

“Can you breathe?” Kanade asked from atop her. Tsubasa nodded in confirmation. “Alright, stick out your tongue, I’m gonna ride your face.”

Tsubasa did so, a million worries running through her head about how well she could possibly do at this. Even if she gave it her all, not even she was good at everything her first try. But without showing any hesitation, Kanade pressed against her mouth.

Every sensation was unfamiliar, but she knew what was going on, considering Kanade’s thighs were at either side of her face. Immediately, Kanade began moving, thrusting her hips slowly and still doing a majority of the work. Tsubasa’s self-consciousness rose with every soft, sudden moan reigniting her need. She put that energy into her actions to fulfill Kanade.

“Faster, Tsubasa,” she commanded breathily. Tsubasa wasn’t sure what to do other that move her tongue around like a kiss even more awkward than her first kiss on the mouth, but she increased the pace at which she did it. Apparently her efforts weren’t unappreciated, based on the sounds making their way from Kanade’s throat.

A hand at the back of her head pushed her in even deeper, and she was startled and became even more anxious, but wasn’t uncomfortable enough to ask her to stop. Kanade gripped a fistful of her hair, not hard enough to pull, and scratched lightly at her scalp. Tsubasa continued to push inside of her, not quite panting like before but breathing as if doing something strenuous.

“You holding up?” Kanade asked, and Tsubasa was jealous that like this, she was still so collected and could speak effortlessly.

“ _Mm-hm._ ” Tsubasa didn’t want to stop to speak, and settled for mumbled affirmation.

“Good girl,” Kanade purred, free hand brushing Tsubasa’s bangs from her forehead. Soon after moving there, the hand was gone, and Tsubasa didn’t know what she’d done with it until the loose end of the tie binding her hands was lifted. She followed where she was led to, and was quickly brought to one of Kanade’s breasts.

She took the wordless command, feeling her way around it as far as the short slack of the tie allowed. “Keep it up just a little longer,” Kanade told her, and Tsubasa was proud of the way her voice faltered just a little.

Her moaning increased a little in volume, and Tsubasa tried to pick up her speed even further, working the sounds out of her. “Move up a little higher.” Kanade gave yet another command, and Tsubasa licked slowly upwards until Kanade told her she was in the right place “ _Ahh,_ yeah, there.”

Soon after she’d focused her attention there, Kanade spasmed around Tsubasa’s tongue, grinding frantically for several seconds until she relaxed again. She took long, deep breaths, staying on top of Tsubasa while she gathered herself. Eventually she moved off of her, throwing herself back down to the mattress alongside her.

“I can’t tell you that I love you enough,” Kanade said, kissing her cheek while she began to untie Tsubasa’s hands. She undid the blindfold next, and Tsubasa smiled, looking towards where Kanade’s voice was coming from.

“I love you t-” Her voice caught in her throat when the situation, forgotten in the depths of passion, returned full force as she locked eyes with Maria. “Too,” she finished, hoping her slipup went unnoticed.

It didn’t, and Kanade took on a pained expression. “Are you going to be okay?”

Tsubasa mumbled vaguely and leaned in to hug her, blocking Maria from view. She squeezed her eyes shut, burying into her and taking in the mild scent of sweat. Kanade wrapped her arms around her in return. “C’mon, get your clothes back on,” she suggested playfully. “You should be asleep.”

Tsubasa nuzzled into Kanade, deciding that fetching her pajamas could wait just a little longer. She went to reply when there was a small whining sound that caught her attention. “Kanade?”

“If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I want you to still be happy,” Kanade said, still out of sight, but Tsubasa was sure she was about to cry. “I’ve already been gone for this long.”

“Yeah,” Tsubasa mumbled, but quickly disintegrated into tears. “Kanade….”

“Crying in bed is a turn-off, you know,” Kanade said lightly, but her own voice was almost over the edge. “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.”

“Was this…” Tsubasa swallowed and spoke past the lump in her throat, “okay? Is this right?”

“I sure hope so, considering it’s already done.” Kanade’s careless grin didn’t soothe Tsubasa at all, and she dropped it. “Do you feel bad?”

After a moment to assess herself, Tsubasa nodded. “What if she….”

Kanade cocked her head to the side and in a direct voice asked, “Yeah, what if she finds out?”

“Huh?” Tsubasa wasn’t sure how to answer that.

“Say she comes back and finds out. What happens?”

Tsubasa was silent as she ran the scenario through her head. What _would_ Maria think? Her immediate, fear-driven thought was that she’d be angry, even end their friendship and possibly back out of the concert to put a rift between them.

Kanade must have sensed her unease, and she asked another question. “How would you feel if she did it to you? Would you be okay with it?”

She didn’t want to tell Kanade that the thought of Maria having her way with her was more appealing than it should have been, but the situation was different. Maria wasn’t interested in her the same way she was, so she wouldn’t have wanted this. “It’s different,” was all the explanation she offered.

“Why?” Kanade leaned forward. “You sound like you wouldn’t mind, you two sound close.”

“Because….” She couldn’t tell Kanade that she liked her. “She doesn’t have anyone that she’s lost, like you.” If Serena had taken over Tsubasa, she would be willing to be put through anything, but this wouldn’t have happened between Maria and her sister.

“But what if she _did_?” Kanade placed her hands on Tsubasa’s shoulders and stared at her. “Tsubasa. Could Maria spend a day with you while someone else was in your body?”

She hesitated, but slowly answered honestly, “Yes.”

“Then you haven’t done anything you wouldn’t mind having done to you, you aren’t hypocritical at least.” Kanade smiled and dropped her hands from her shoulders, placing one on her knee. “Why don’t you apologize?”

“Apologize?” It sounded natural, but at the same time completely mismatching.

“Why not?” She shrugged. “Nothing you do is gonna change what happened, so could it hurt to just say sorry?”

“Would it really help? That wouldn’t nearly make up for this.”

“It wouldn’t not help, yeah? Just do what you can, and if you’re friends she’ll understand.” Kanade seemed convinced, but Tsubasa wasn’t sure how sound this advice was. It made sense logically, but Kanade’s carefree nature could lead to others’ hurt feelings, and she didn’t want Maria to be hurt. “Let’s get you to sleep off some of that worry, and we can talk it over more tomorrow.”

It didn’t have to be said that Kanade might not have been around the next morning, but there were so many thoughts spinning through Tsubasa’s head that sleep sounded like a relief she was willing to take. She let Kanade guide her back down towards the mattress, and huddled close into her chest, letting Kanade soothe her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maria is a goddamn cuck


End file.
